Why Henry never wins pillow fights against me: A List

1. Weight disadvantage of nearly 1:4

2. Height disadvantage of nearly 1:2

3. Poor pillow selection. He always chooses for size, rather than density or even available pillowcase to use as a handle.

4. The giggling (doesn't take this seriously).

5. Always falls for The Oldest Trick in the Book. He swings and misses with his gigantic pillow, which pulls him slightly off balance and leaves his backside completely exposed for one good whack, which sends him tumbling.

6. His inability to capitalize on useful alliances which could bolster his chances (example: Jane).

7. Lack of killer instinct (see #4).

8. Poor recovery technique. After a fall, he always tries to get up butt first, giving me an excellent target.

9. Lack of intimidating vocabulary (example: "Bring it, Weeble.")

10. I completely rule.


movita said...

Reasons this could backfire:
1) Henry will eventually gain weight
2) Henry will eventually gain height
3) Henry will eventually figure out the pillow selection thing – you’re leading by example
4) Henry may learn to control his giggling (read: teen years/angst)
5) Henry will eventually read the book, and find out about the oldest tricks
6) Henry may eventually acquire useful alliances (read: teen years/gang)
7) Henry may eventually develop killer instinct (read: teen years/girlfriends)
8) Henry may eventually learn to get up in a non-butt first way (read: occupational therapy)
9) Henry will eventually develop intimidating vocabulary (read: elementary school/soccer league)
10) Henry may have inherited your ability “to rule” (read: genetics are a bitch)

Anonymous said...

BOTH lists are excellent..

Unknown said...

I anticipated a smarmy response list. I just didn't expect it to come within minutes of posting.

You'll note, this is why I didn't call the list: "Why Henry WILL NEVER beat me in a pillow fight." No, I only mention that he never has.

I am mortal. I understand this. Soon I will be old and frail. And instead of lending a helping hand, Henry will offer the broad side of a dense pillow with plenty of pillowcase in his powerful, grown-up hands.


Dead Robot said...

But to quote Yoda in The Empire Strikes Back:

"There is another..."

When Jane comes online, it may be difficult to maintain superiority when it's two against one.

Anonymous said...

Dave, it's not all bleak. You are giving up all too easily. You do have your work cut out for you, though. You just have to do some strategic planing.
1. Keep in shape.
2. Experience will ALWAYS work in your favour
3. Henry doesn't strike me as someone who will develop particularly strong killer instinct. Make sure he doesn't :)
4. KEY COMPONENT OF YOUR PLAN! Jane still has not develop her alliances - nothing to prevent you from making her YOUR ally.

Good luck!